Breaking the Cycle: Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight

By Pamela Chin, RCC

Most couples who come to my office don't have many problems. They have one problem, repeating in different costumes.

The dishes. The in-laws. The phone. Money. Who's tired and who's not. Who initiated last and who didn't. The topics change, but if you slow it down, the shape of the fight is almost always the same. The same look on her face. The same sigh from him. The same wall that goes up. The same hurt that gets named, again, in slightly different words.

If this is happening in your relationship, I want to say two things up front.

First, the fact that you keep having the same fight is not proof that something is wrong with you, or your partner, or your relationship. It is proof that you are caught in a cycle. And cycles can be changed.

Second, the fight is rarely the real problem. The fight is the door. What's underneath it is what we actually need to talk about.

What a cycle is, in plain language

In couples therapy, particularly in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we talk about something called a negative cycle. A cycle is the repeating dance two people do when their attachment system gets activated.

That sounds technical, so let me make it concrete.

One partner feels disconnected, or unheard, or alone. To try to close the distance, they reach out. The reach might come out as a question, a complaint, a criticism, a request, or sometimes just a heavy silence loaded with meaning.

The other partner feels the reach as pressure. They tighten. They shut down. They get defensive. They go quiet. Or they get loud back.

The first partner sees the shutdown, or the defensiveness, or the volume, and feels even more alone. So they reach harder. Or sharper. Or louder.

The second partner feels more pressure. So they retreat further.

And so it goes. Pursue and withdraw. Protest and shut down. Each one's response to the threat triggering the other one's threat. You're both trying to protect something, and in the trying, you're both hurting each other.

This is the dance. It looks like a fight. It feels like a fight. But underneath, it's two people in pain, both reaching for safety in ways that accidentally take safety away from the other.

Why naming the cycle matters

Most couples come into therapy convinced that the problem is what they're arguing about. The dishes. The in-laws. The phone.

And those things are real. They matter.

But the actual breakthrough usually happens when both partners can step back and see the cycle itself. When you can both look at it and say, "Oh. There it is. That thing we do."

"The cycle is the enemy. Not you. Not your partner."

Once you can see it together, two things become possible. You can interrupt it. And you can start having the conversation underneath it.

What's underneath the fight

If we trace the cycle down to its roots, we usually find that both partners are carrying questions they don't quite have words for.

• "Do I matter to you?"
• "Will you choose me?"
• "Am I too much?"
• "Am I enough?"
• "Will you come closer if I ask, or will you pull further away?"

These are attachment questions. They are not weakness. They are not neediness. They are wired into all of us, from the first relationships we had as children, and they show up in every significant relationship we have as adults.

When the cycle is loud and the fights are repeating, these questions are usually going unanswered, or getting accidentally answered in the wrong direction. Couples therapy is where we slow everything down enough to hear them properly, and to start answering them in a way that actually lands.

How couples therapy actually changes things

A few things tend to happen in couples work, when it goes well.

You learn to name the cycle as it's happening. Not after the fight is over. In the middle of it. That alone changes everything.

You start hearing each other underneath the words. The complaint becomes a longing. The defensiveness becomes a fear. The shutdown becomes "I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid of hurting you more."

You build new ways of reaching for each other. The old ways were costing both of you. New ones, practiced in session and then carried home, slowly take their place.

In my couples work, I draw on two of the most well-researched approaches in the field. The Gottman Method gives us tools for managing conflict and building friendship. Emotionally Focused Therapy helps us understand and shift the attachment dynamics underneath.

Both, in different ways, help couples move from "what is wrong with you?" to "what is happening to us, and how do we change it together?"

If this sounds like you

If you're reading this and recognizing your own relationship, I want to gently say that recognition is the first step, not the last.

A lot of couples wait too long to come in. They wait until the cycle has worn ruts so deep that one or both partners have started to wonder if there's any point. The work is still possible from that place. But it's a lot easier when the relationship still has warmth left in it.

You don't have to wait until things are dire. You don't have to come in with a clear story of what's wrong. You only need to be willing to look at the dance together with someone who can help you see it.

If you'd like to explore couples counselling, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation. We'll talk about what's happening, and whether the work would be a fit for the two of you.